Left on the Shelf. What a goddamn dusty phrase.
Wrapped in pity, painting a picture of a woman waiting around, gathering dust, passed over by the traditional milestones of marriage and motherhood.
For those of you for whom life does not look remotely how you thought it would. For whom the 2.4 children, marriage and white picket fence did not materialise or appeal… let me say this as loudly as I can….
YOU ARE NOT LEFT ON THE SHELF!
How many times has this phrase rattled around my indoctrinated brain as the years ticked by. For decades the world tried to tell me that an unconventional, unscripted life meant a less-than life. But the world could not be more wrong. I have loved and been loved. I have wanted what I thought I was supposed to want. What I was told to want and never once questioned. The security, the safety, the sense of being chosen, until one day… I just opted out.
Just like that.
And suddenly…I felt free.
Free to choose, free to explore, free to build and free from so many of the social expectations that we accept like an outdated ill-fitting coat.
Now don’t get me wrong I love love. This is not an anti-men tirade. I will be the first one crying at your wedding, filled with joy at your newfound romance and celebrating your journey into motherhood. This is not a criticism of traditional paths. This is a midlife woman deciding there are a million ways to be happy, to be fulfilled and to live a purposefully joyful life. But I will no longer support the narrative that if you find yourself in an unconventional situation you never expected, you have failed. Because what you are actually doing is reaping the rewards of centuries of feminism that has given you choice, that has given you autonomy and the power to choose a life that fully suits you. You are not a misfit, you are freedom in full glorious 21st century motion.
I’m done with waiting to be chosen. Now I’m dong the choosing.
The game was rigged.
For centuries our value was outsourced. Waiting to be chosen. Setting us up for competition to stand out from the crowd. It created the ‘pick me’ generation and set women against women like your very survival depended on it. Which for centuries it did.
It is within our lifetime that women have gained financial freedom. Where our social standing is no longer tied to our relationship status. We no longer have to trade submission for security, freedom for survival or our voices for peace. We no longer exist solely within the legal confines of a marriage or our ability to be chosen and produce heirs. We have full autonomy, legally, financially and now socially, and that is a choice worth celebrating. You don’t have to choose it, but my god it’s great that we can.
The last hurdle left is judgement.
It’s not overt. You’re not resigned to the status of spinster aunt. But it’s not entirely gone. You hear it in the well meaning but ill-advised “Don’t worry you’re person will come along” when i’m really not worried. “Just get yourself out there” when i’m knee deep in random hobbies, side quests and wondering whether penguins have knees. Or the worst… “you don’t want to get left on the shelf” to which I now reply “but it’s really… like really great up here”
Because you see I have not been left on the shelf. I built the goddamn shelf. I built the ladder to climb up to the shelf and left the chaos on the floor where it belonged. I have spent the majority of my life in relationships. I’ve been engaged (more times than I’d like to mention) been heartbroken (more times than id like to mention) and I don’t regret a single chaotic, magical moment. But I have finally found my safety and my security flying solo. I have found it on my merry carefully curated little shelf, filled with beautiful friendships, unconditional platonic love and a support network that never makes me shrink to keep the peace.
Anyone can choose to join me up here. This space is open to anyone that wants to climb the ladder. If your’e a kind, compassionate, curious human being who also craves peace there is a spot for you. But I’m also perfectly content just as I am, and that is where the power lies.
The shelf is not an isolation zone. It is not the result of one to many betrayals and dirty socks on the floor. It’s not a closed door on connection. I’ts a deeply fulfilling curated space with a strict entry code.
So come and join me for a glass of wine if you like, the shelf is always open. There’s plush scatter cushions, a hint of disco ball decor and it’s a judgement free zone. Oh… and bring your cats!
xxx The Sunshine Rebel xxx